I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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