She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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