HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
