someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
