i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
