Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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