if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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