you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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