Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
