You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
