My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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