awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize