I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
