I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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