fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
