I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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