If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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