now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize