Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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