I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
