Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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