News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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