Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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