Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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