I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
