we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
