That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
