I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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