dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
