Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
