i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
