So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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