Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
