if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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