it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
