i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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