Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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