I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
