i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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