How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
