Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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