Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
