sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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