The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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