i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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