If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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