I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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