textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
