glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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