Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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