4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw a hot homeless man
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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