I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
