I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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