I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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