Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Found your dick twin last night
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
