Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
