i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize