five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
