that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
