On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
