I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
