tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
