I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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