shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
