My Higher Power is John Stamos
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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